What grief?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

We went there. We took the dive into the whole grief thingy, and when the class moved on, I was smack dab stuck in it for a long minute! It's a painful, incredible, but now joyful part of my story.

During a class for the Heart for the World School of Missions and Ministry, I facilitated a table full of family and friends who were new to our church. They had lost a sister a few short months ago, and during that week, we discussed grief, and they wanted to talk. They needed to talk. It was such a sacred night of sitting with our newly met family in their pain. However, things were churning inside me, and I knew God was up to something. I just didn't realize how big this was going to get!

Coinciding with classes on Wednesday nights, working full-time, Sunday church, and regular life stuff, we also had agreed (what were we thinking?) to foster a golden retriever puppy. We put down our buddy of 13 years a couple of months prior, and we had the room and the equipment.

This pup was seven months old, and it was an emergency placement. We decided her nickname was Mac. And boy, McKenzie had a colossal level of nervous puppy energy combined with "I'm in a new place" energy. Friends asked us how it was going, and I told them Mac was adorable. The problem was that she averaged about 95 mph while our nine-year-old Golden Maggie, my husband, and I all seemed to run at a full-throttled 45 mph.

On Wednesday morning of the grief class at church, the rescue center called. The CEO talked to me for a long time about another emergency placement she had. Two goldens, a bonded pair, 10 and 7 years whose owner was just put into hospice. These girls needed a place together; she thought we would be interested in fostering them with the hopes of adopting them.

I listened to the story; the owner is dying of cancer (soft spot), a bonded pair (soft spot) of pure goldens (soft spot), and they would not have nearly the energy or demands that Mac had. So, I told her we would consider it. We did, and we agreed.

Friday morning, we loaded Mac with all her new toys, the rest of her food, her bones, and a t-shirt of mine to snuggle in her crate and headed out to drop her off. Not three minutes out of our community gates, I began to cry. We guessed the total one-way travel time was right at an hour and fourteen minutes, and I cried for an hour and seven of them.

We dropped her off, and I kept it together until we returned to the truck. And then, you guessed it, I cried all the way home. I thought I was losing it a little, and I'm sure my husband couldn't figure out what was happening either. He dropped me off at the house. When I walked in, my golden retriever Maggie met me and I dropped to the floor and cried and cried.

The following 24 hours were a deep, deep dive into worship and the Word, and I asked God what He was trying to tell me. Bit by bit, He and I walked back through my life, and we stopped at moments of grief.

God showed me that I was an emotional runner regarding grieving. It's how I’ve coped from when I was a little girl to when I was a widow and so many other moments along the way…including grieving for our last dog. And THAT is what happened to me while transporting Mac. I hadn't grieved him and tried to replace him with fostering her. So, letting her go, even after only ten days, was like letting him go all over again. Whoa.

As I sat in that revelation, I realized that I had given my word to the CEO of that rescue that we would take these other two goldens into our care. And I had never asked God what He thought about that decision! I knew it was not the right one.

Suddenly, the choices I had made in so many of those runaway-from-grief moments in my life came back to my memory, and I realized how most were really bad decisions. Maybe not sinful, but not helpful, not great, and definitely not His best for me.

I contacted the center CEO to let her know I had made a commitment in error and couldn't take the pair at this time. And unbeknownst to me, this lady was a believer! And her responses were filled with grace, kindness, and understanding, and I was blown away.

The revelation about being an emotional runner, especially where grief is concerned, which leads to poor decisions, has sparked in me a 'NOW' practice that's become a habit. When I am hit with a thing, a life moment, an unexpected feeling, or even a mechanical issue (I did this with my truck and washing machine this past week; I'm not kidding!), I intentionally stop and ask God to come WITH me in the moment.

I don't wait anymore to bring it up later or let it explode down the road with no warning. And I share it with my husband every time I do it. We've both been blown away by the outcomes of those moments. It's crazy wonderful, and now I get it. In Christ, I never walk or grieve alone.

Neither do you. Need a Kleenex?

Jan Hart 2024